For the most part, I've found the transition from undergrad to med school to be pretty difficult. It's not to say that I'm incapable of the actual meat-and-potatoes comprehension but rather that I've been lacking motivation. In turn, this lack of motivation has blossomed into an ugly flower of discontent and self doubt.
I'm worried that I made the wrong choice in coming to medical school... that I don't really belong here and that I've made a mistake by taking this path. While this feeling is very strong at times... I also can't give you any really good, solid reasons as to why I feel this way. I just do.
So today, as I found myself to be more ADD than ever despite a good morning and warming pool of sunshine on my living room floor (nothing cheers me up more than sitting in the sun), I finally decided that I'd put my question of belonging to a higher authority.
Now, before I continue, I'll ask you to keep an open mind. After 5 years of studying theology, I find it difficult to actually find any sort of clear definition for my own belief system. This is what I can tell you - I believe in nature and an interconnectivity between all beings. I believe that there is something greater than the self. And I believe that with an appropriate amount of consciousness, one can connect with that 'greater force' directly to gain understanding and insight into oneself and the world.
Many traditions have many different ways of doing this - through prayer, the Kabbalah, music, runic stones, ecstatic dance, zen meditation, etc. For me, I like to use a Tarot deck - which, you will note, is entirely unscientific.
Thus, today, I put my textbooks away and pulled my deck instead. After a few minutes of clearing my mind, I asked it: Am I in the right place? Did I make the right decision in coming to medical school? Should I choose a different path?
Here's how the universe answered:
Historically, I have been fairly competitive and stubborn by nature. I attribute my successes to my determination to overcome life's difficulties through vitality, enthusiasm, and perseverance. In addition, I feel utterly blessed for the clarity and insight that my experiences (both successes and failures) have provided.
Right now, I'm busy tying myself up in knots about whether I've made the right decision to come to medical school. It has been difficult to remain engaged in my studies or nurture the relationships with my friends and family due to this stress. Today, I have been reminded that in order to be creative and productive, I need to look after myself (eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise). Since coming to medical school, I've found it very difficult to make the time to cook properly, get enough sleep, and find time to work out. Clearly, this is something that must be remedied immediately.
The deck also reminded me that it's possible to try too hard. Being so focused on one goal means that you don't experience the journey because you're too caught up in arriving at the 'right' destination. I cannot plan the future - I will never know exactly what's coming. For this reason, I need to open myself to experiencing the present and taking a more relaxed approach to life. In doing so, the circumstances that appear unappealing and difficult may actually become very rewarding.
Lastly, the final card that I drew from the deck was Losgann- the frog. Within the layout that I was using to read the cards, this figure was meant to inform me of what my actions may manifest in the future. Losgann is the symbol for medicine in Druidic lore.
How's that for an answer?!!!