Specters move like pilot flames...

I had my first code blue today. After years of training, I finally got to put my CPR skills to good use. I might be hopeless at other clinical skills like palpating for hepatomegaly or giving nerve block to dislocated fingers but when called upon to do CPR, I slide right into my role without a second thought or a moment's hesitation.

The action itself felt very satisfying. It wasn't an adrenalin rush, it wasn't a shock, it wasn't even exciting, per se. I've practiced doing CPR so many times that it was just second nature. I did what I was asked to do and I did it well and that made me pretty happy.

On the down side, our patient died. In my mind, it was a pretty good death - very much like my late grandfather's. This elderly gentleman had spent his morning grocery shopping with his wife before coming home to share lunch together. Prior to running some afternoon errands to the local Home Depot, he stepped outside to bring in the mail... and never came back in. He collapsed on the steps, where his wife found him moments later.

The EMT and ER staff worked for an hour to revive him but to no avail. I accompanied the primary physician to tell the wife. She sat alone in the pink consult room, confronted by a panel comprised of the physician, myself, a nurse, and a nursing student.

The now-widow said matter-of-factly, as soon as we walked in, "it's not good news, is it?". The physician shook her head sadly and delivered the bad news exactly as we'd just been trained to do last Tuesday in our Art of Medicine class.

After a shakey moment to digest the information, the widow looked lost. Her son was in Florida and could not be reached. There was no other family. After a few moments of silence, she said quite simply... "We were supposed to go to Home Depot this afternoon. What am I going to do now? We'd- we'd just finished lunch together. The dishes are still in the sink." How quickly plans can change.

While the technical aspects of delivering CPR had been, I'll admit, almost enjoyable (not because I wanted someone ever to be that hurt but because I was finally in the right place at the right time to provide the care I'm trained to)... delivering the bad news was heart breaking.

It bothered me that immediately after this, my shift ended and I walked out of the hospital and drove the grocery store to pick up chicken, chick peas, and tomatoes for dinner. This poor woman's world had just shattered and I simply walked away from this fracture in humanity to do a mundane chore.

I realize that I cannot relieve her of her grief or help to carry her burden. But, I can be thankful for the lessons I've learned from this experience and I am so grateful to have been privileged to share in both the widow's and her husband's story.