It seemed fitting that on my last day of medical school I was up before 6 am. We had to be in The Hammer for 8am, so I got up a bit early to make a good breakfast (read: go to Starbucks) before Constellation kindly bundled me into his car and transported my solemn, silent form to the university to write the LMCC.
Now, for those of you who don't know what the LMCC is... well, it's like the Ordeal of Knighthood but for doctors. There are no fancy horses to ride about or lovely maidens swooning over you... the similarities are really just limited to the authority to potentially kill somebody and wear a shiny stethoscope (rather than plate armor).
Indeed, in either situation, you spend the night before praying while staring sleeplessly at the ceiling and sharpening your mind into a focus that you hope will be enough to get you through the next day. Then, it's a cold shower to wake up, a long journey to the Chamber of the Ordeal...
I was early for the exam. I always am (again, many thanks to Constellation who went in to work 1.5hr early just to soothe my neurosis). The first part was 196 multiple choice questions in 3 hours. I had to hoof it through to finish on time. There was no opportunity to mull something over, check the math, or think back through an algorithm. It was all about reflexes. You knew it or you didn't. Either way, you had moments to click on the right answer and then move on. If you were successful and answered things correctly, the questions got harder. If you weren't, things got easier. They call this "computative adaptive testing"- I like it call it "f***ing with our minds". There was no way of knowing if you'd over-prepared and just knew your stuff or if you were screwing up royally and should start thinking about ways to hide from your creditors when they finally discovered that you were a joke of a medical student and kicked you out of the profession.
A brief interlude of 45 minutes for lunch reminded us that a bigger world existed outside the glow of the computer screen and a mouse sticky with sweat. The warm sun and soft breeze bolstered our nerves for the second onslaught with promises of summer and vacation. With that sweet reward in mind, we walked back into the cave to slay the dragon.
Part Two was what they called "CDM" (clinical decision making). It consisted of obscenely vague case scenarios for which you had to develop management plans. The format was all short answer or "choose 1-2 options from this list of 30-40 items". After the first few questions, I quickly developed a new acronym for this section: "Clueless? Don't Murder." The whole goal of this exam was to make sure that whatever you did (a) addressed the most significant issue at hand (ie. don't let the patient lose life or limb) while (b) not undertaking any action that might iatrogenically hurt or kill said patient.
Finally, it was over. After 8 hours of mind-breaking work, we collectively wobbled outside into the blinding sunlight as newly minted doctors. The thought that no rounds or case presentations or bedside pimping would take place the next day, or week, or month was unfathomable. I'm a free woman until July 1st, when the real grueling test begins with residency. But that just hasn't sunk in yet. I still have the urge to study. It feels wrong to put the books away.
Three years ago - hell, three days ago, I couldn't have imagined that moment. The finality: I took on medical school and I survived. It had always been a fantasy that one day I'd step up to the plate and take a crack at hitting the ball. It was a shock that I got bunted into medical school and now it's an even bigger shock that my bunt was actually enough to hit the ball out of the park and run the bases.
I got everything I dared to dream about. It is only now that I wonder at my audacity to dream so big. The problem with success is that it's only encouraging... it just pushes you to dream bigger, push harder, dig deeper, and - above all - love with no parachute.
And I think we all know just how much I love jumping out of planes after this past summer...!!!
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